Being a part of a large family can be challenging for some people and a blessing for some.
I have personally brought up my daughter in a joint family and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Because I’m a part of a big family, I know that my kids won’t ever feel lonely, that I can take short breaks whenever I want, and that there will always be someone to look after my child if I am sick.
Most importantly, my children get to live with their grandparents; have fun, hear their stories, and learn things that neither a classroom nor parents can ever teach.
That being said, living in a joint family is not everyone’s cup of tea. Maintaining a balance between varied likes and dislikes, managing differences of opinions and taking a firm stand on everything is important. It comes with the added responsibility of keeping the peace and balance of the family. You need to delicately balance relationships and set boundaries for your children as well.
And all of it becomes much harder as a parent because while everyone has the best interest of the child at heart, there is always a difference in parenting styles.
Challenges in joint family
Below are the challenges that parents of big families typically face, but once you handle them politely, life turns out to be a blessing with all the benefits of having more people around.
But HOW?
Let’s see –
1.Parenting Styles –
It can be a little challenging to stick to the ground rules when your parenting philosophies differ from those of other family members.
Children today are smart. To get what they want, they know who to speak with. Therefore, it’s crucial that the family’s adults are all on the same page.
How to deal with this?
- Identify Negotiable and non-negotiable areas :
List down areas you will be okay with your kids having their way and areas you can’t compromise on. For instance – It might be okay for the kid to have dinner meals as per their uncle’s family timing but it might not be okay to compromise on their sleep schedules.
- Communicate clearly with other family members to set upon some common ground rules for your as well as their kids.
- Make sure all family members agree to communicate, share emotions and talk openly as and when needed.
- Rope in the experts and ask help when needed.
- You can share scientifically proven stats for better decision making. You can also make dentists, coaches and teachers your ally.
- Make sure to be appreciative instead of being judgemental to each other’s parenting styles.
2.Too many authorities
When you have two or more generations living together, there will be a
difference in opinion.
But too many conflicting opinions may be confusing for the children if they hear it on a regular basis.
When everyone tries to intervene, discipline or correct the child in their own way, it gets all the more chaotic.
The first option to communicate and set boundaries may not always help.
At times when you’re discussing a topic with family members, you might come to a dead end where everyone might have different opinions.
That’s why it becomes important for Parents have to have that authority over others in the family when it comes to making decisions for kids.
- Communicate to your grandparents and other family members that you will be the final decision maker for their kids.
Help them understand why It’s important to have one authority for a child.
- Any concern about the child’s behavior must be taken through you so you can communicate with the child and work through it in your way.
- When it comes to giving permissions whether it be on going for a trip or attending a camp, you’ll have the final say in it.
- If a child complains about you to your grandparents or family member, they must share it with you so everyone is on the same page
- To ensure that there isn’t any resentment and bitterness, do take into consideration other’s knowledge and wisdom as much as you can before you make the final call.
3.Inculcating discipline
Whether it be increased sugar intake or screen time, it’s hard to put limits on your kids with grandparents around, as they love to spoil and pamper their grandkids.
How to deal
- Communicate your concern with the grandparents, tell them why certain things might be bad for the kid in excess and try to get them on board when it comes to setting limits for kids.
- Don’t be too hard on your grandparents. Understand that they can’t be too strict and will naturally give in to your kid’s demands now and then.
- Set specific limits on how much leniency on grandparent’s side will be agreeable from your part.
- Strengthen your bond with kids
- Communicate with them to set some rules so they don’t bother their grandparents in the first place,and can say ‘no’ themselves when excess treats are offered.
For instance – You can let them have one or two fixed days for candies or extra screen time.
4 Different belief systems
One of the hardest parts of parenting a joint family is protecting your kids from stereotypical beliefs.
But it’s much easier said than done.
From gender bias to comments on complexions, there are so many subtle cues that you can’t have a control or say on.
How to handle such situations?
- Educate and inform your family members about prejudice. Such issues can definitely be resolved by being open and polite when discussing your feelings for them.
- Understand that you can’t change your family’s opinion altogether.
- Focus on strengthening values and open mindedness in your kids. Help them be firm in their opinions.
- Take the opportunity to teach your kids on how to deal with different opposing beliefs in a healthy way while living together.
- These situations can be great for your kids to engage in calm healthy debates and practice logical reasoning.
Bonding with boundaries
While implementing boundaries and personal spaces for kids it’s also important to celebrate the bond so as to keep relations intact.
What Should I do?
- Have family sessions weekly
Refrain from making any judgment calls or being strict ( unless really necessary) in family sessions
- Keep everyone involved and updated
- Share news and funny stories about your child with family members.
- Let your kids ask for help from family members. Their uncle might help him design the science project or her cousin for the art homework.
- Grandparents might often feel like they aren’t able to connect to your child because of the age gap.
- Teach the grandparents how to communicate with their grandchild, whether it’s asking more direct questions like “What did you do in school today?” instead of ‘How was school?’ or even educating them on latest technology so they can have common topics to broach with the grandchildren
- Let people of the family take turns to bathe the kids or take them for a walk or drop them to school.
- Setup movie /screen sessions for all cousins together
- Encourage your kids to share their treats and involve them in picking gifts for festivals
- Plan family rituals like story sessions with grandparents.
- Ensure everyone gets together even for 15 minutes daily whether it be for evening tea or breakfast.
And that’s pretty much it. With a little effort in communication and collaboration, raising a kid in a joint family is not only easy, but a joy.
Head over to the second part of this blog on how to communicate effectively with kids and family members in order to deal with conflicts and challenges.